Loneliness

Tonight, I've had an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  I don't do well on my days off.  I tend to be very depressed and waste a lot of time just sitting.... mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, or YouTube videos, or jumping off and on Paltalk with no real focus.... and certainly not being productive.  Tonight I was lonely to the point of tears.  It's strange for me to feel this way... as I rarely do... but tonight was HARD.  Literally painful actually.  I was tempted to just go to bed and curl up and cry in there... in the dark.  Instead, I remembered the promise I made to myself that I would do SOMETHING/ANYTHING every day to improve my home environment.  So, I got up and washed a few more dishes (I still have a stack of them piled on the stove) and I washed my coffee pot and heated up water and made myself a beautiful cup of tea with honey and vanilla.  And tomorrow morning, I'll have a beautiful cup of coffee (which I've not allowed myself the luxury of in probably 2 months because my coffee pot was dirty).  That's all I did today.  But I'm proud of myself for doing it even as the tears puddled in my eye sockets.  For tonight, it is good enough.  

Day One: The Bottom

Today, I'm beginning this blog for myself more than anyone else.  Depression (and I'll admit it) laziness and poor habits have me living (more-so existing) in a home which I'm ashamed of.  I come home from work and immediately sink into a depression just from walking into the mess and re-experiencing every day before's shame.  I know I deserve to live better than I'm living.  I know I deserve to live in a space that is a reflection of the beautiful, loving person I truly am.  I'm not a pig.  I'm not a slob.  I do care about my surroundings and I'm desperately lonely and want to be able to open my home to family and friends.  

One day I asked my 6 year old grand-daughter what is the thing she loves to do the most with me.  Do you know what she said?  She said, "I like to go spend the night at your house!"  It's been well over a year since she has even been inside my apartment.  Just typing this fact right now has me in tears.

I raised my children in chaos.... in a complete pigsty and was constantly in fear of losing them to Children's Services if any one found out.  Now... I have two grandchildren, 6 and nearly 2 who I have not made it so that visiting me in my home (and building memories at "Grandmas House" has even been an option.  

I've had male friends who have expressed an interest in knowing me... yet I panic from the very beginning knowing that even entertaining the idea of a relationship is not an option for me because I will not allow anyone to visit my house.  

So this blog is intended as a place where I can document my transition from this place of despair and shame to the creation of a home I will willingly and joyfully open the doors to friends and family and change my life.  It will most likely be a place where I can empty out the negative thoughts I have about who I become when I enter these four walls to working toward positive self-talk and "atta girls" to document my progress.  My hope is to, every day, take at least 10 minutes to document progress.... or to write down why I "didn't" do something... or to reflect on how positive choices are changing the way I feel overall about coming home.  My writings will probably be all over the place ... maybe not even following a theme.  But, I will be candid... and true to myself and give a real and true account of this journey out of this "bottom" I've sunken to.  

So... day one's progress was this: 

1)  I washed two sinks full of of dishes.

2)  I started this blog.

3)  It is 10 P.M. and I've allowed today's progress to be "good enough".